3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
Joe was a housekeeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss' wine bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.
Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed colour when water is added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed colour from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.
James told his wife about Joe's misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies.
So he shouted, "Joe!!!" Joe answered from the kitchen, "Yes boss?"
James, "Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?"
There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, "What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with 'Yes Boss' and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence!!!"
Joe said, "It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don"t hear anything else that is said, I swear."
James, "How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?"
So the boss went to the kitchen.
Joe shouted, "Boss!!!"
Boss, "Yes Joe?"
Joe, "Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam's absence?"
Silence - no reply. Joe again, "Who made the maid pregnant?"
No reply. Joe, yet again, "And who arranged for her abortion?"
James came running from the kitchen and said, "You are right Joe. When one is in kitchen, one can't hear anything but one's name. That's bloody strange!"
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, purse a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference.
The guy downs the Scotch and says, "This Scotch is only ten years ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath they bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.
The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty -year old Scotch... I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink.
By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.
The guy downs the scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"
The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raise a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the bar room floor.
"My God! That taste like piss," he yells.
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars."
The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender says, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant.
The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart.
Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Please stop that immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"