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Police Jokes on Lipy - Page 2

A Nano breaks down on a roadside. A BMW 750Li stops to help the driver.

"I will tow you to the next service station, but if I drive too fast please flash your lights."

They start up slowly but only a km or so down the line a Porsche speeds past 150km/hour.

The BMW driver totally forgets about the Nano and guns it after the Porsche.

Just as all 3 of them tear through a speed trap, the cop radios the HQ: "Calling all stations: You won't believe this, I just saw a BMW & a Porsche racing past at about 190 km/h with a Nano behind them flashing its lights to Overtake.

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Cohen's house, and grandpa gets out.

The polite policeman explained, "I came upon this elderly gentleman who said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. He did, however, know the address, and so here we are. Do you know this gentleman?"

"Of course, officer! It's my Morris!", said grandma Cohen. Turning to grandpa, she said, "Morris ! You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you possibly get lost?"

Leaning close, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "Shhhh I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."


A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”



The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”



A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”



The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”



A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a Breathalyzer.

“I can’t do that, officer.”



“Why not?”



“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”



“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”



“Can’t do that either, officer.”



“Why not?”



“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”



“All right, we could get a blood sample.”



“Can’t do that either, officer.”



“Why not?”



“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”



“Fine then, just walk on this white line.”



“Can’t do that either, officer.”



“Why not?”



“Because I’m drunk.” …



George, an elderly man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.



George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.



Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.



George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.



"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the sons of bitches!" Then he hung up.



Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"



George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available.

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