An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don't exist!
There was once a famous Jewish court astrologer named Isaac the Great. The King's mistress got sick and Isaac was called in from a prediction. He happened to know a bit of medicine as well and could see that she was going to die, so thought he would take the opportunity to bolster his credibility a little.
He said, "Your Majesty, she will die in three days -- it's in the stars."
Sure enough, three days later, she dies. The King is very angry so he blames the astrologer.
He calls Isaac in and demands, "Look into the stars and tell me the day of your own death."
Isaac the astrologer understands that the King is going to kill him so he looks at the Horoscope with great intensity and answers, "Sir, I can't tell exactly when, but I can see in the stars that the King will die three days after me."
One mother in law to another, "I heard that both your son and daughter have been married off - how are they?"
"Oh, my daughter in law is really not that good. She sleeps late and expects my son to make the morning coffee. She does not cook, wants my son to take her out to eat more."
"But my son in law is an angel. He allows my daughter to stay late in bed, even makes bed coffee for her. Insists on taking my daughter out to eat so often. I tell you, I don't know what to do with my daughter in law."
A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him $10,000 or the Politician's which was $100,000.
"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.
"not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."
A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she's from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"