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Money Jokes on Lipy - Page 3


When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.



One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.



"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"



"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."



"Were you a pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.



"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."



Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to find St. Peter.



Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows Vista operating system! Why does he deserve better?!"



"True," Peter replied, "But the Titanic only crashed once."


Beggar: Give me food.

Man: I'll give you Vodka.

Beggar: I don't drink, Give me food.

Man: I'll give you cigarettes.

Beggar: I don't smoke.

Man: I'll take you to race.

Beggar: I don't gamble.

Man: I'll get you girl friend.

Beggar: I love only my wife.

Man: I'll give you food, but first you have to come to my house.

Begger: Why?

Man: I want my wife to see what state people get into when they don't Drink, Smoke, Gamble & Love only their own WIFE..!!


An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars.

A year later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets.

The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.

The Arab replied, "Bapu... now I have Gujju blood in my veins!

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