A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”
Spanish captain was walking on his ship...
A soldier rushes to him and says, "One enemy ship is approaching us!"
Captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt"
The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in, heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win.
Soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?"
Captain replies, "If I got injured, then my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to loose hope."
(Moral: For success, hope is very important)
Just then, another soldier, "Sir, we just spotted another TWENTY enemy ships!"
The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."
Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.
1st Soldier: Why did you join the army?
2nd Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?
1st Soldier: I joined because I had a wife and I loved peace!
An army major called his wife to tell her that he would be late home because dirty magazines had been found in the barracks, and the soldiers responsible were facing serious disciplinary action.
"The punishment sounds a little harsh," she said. "After all, most of the soldiers have pictures of women on the walls of their quarters."
"No, honey,," he explained patiently. "Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned properly!"
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"