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Marriage Jokes on Lipy - Page 2


All married men will attest to some real wisdom in this message. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!



Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:



SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Old Monk. (-5)



PROTECTIVE DUTIES

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)

It's her pet poodle . (-20)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-10)

Tina is single. (-40)



HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)

And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)



THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)

(Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

You give any other response. (-20)



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

Send this on to all of the gentlemen you know to refresh them on the point system.


Ek admi ki wife kidnap ho jaati hai aur kidnappers uske husband ko phone lagate hai:



Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi ko maar denge!



Husband khamosh raha.........



Agle din phir phone aya: Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi kje tukde-tukde kar ke cheel-kauwon ko khila denge!



Husband khamosh raha.........



Agle din phir phone aya: Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi tumhe sahi-salamat lkauta di jayegi!!!



Husband: Paise bol kaminey, darata kisko hai....???


The soldier asked for a furlough, so that he might get married.



"How long have you known the Girl?" His superior asked.



"A Week."



"Why, my lad, that is hardly long enough. I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married, I shall grant you a furlough."



In two months the soldier was back, reminding his superior of his promise.



"So you still want to get married? My, My ! I did not suppose that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays."



"I know, sir. But it is not the same girl, sir."


Which is the most dangerous Alphabet?

Answer is 'W'.

All the worries get initiated with 'W'...

Who

Why

What

When

Which

Whom

Where

War

Wine

Whisky

Wealth

Work

Worries

Woman

& finally, believe it or not WIFE.



And the most dangerous question coming from W (wife).

Woh kaun thi ?



All the major things a (W)oman needs in her lifetime start with the Letter 'M'?

Man.

Money.

Make-Up.

Motor Car.

Movies.

Masti.

Mall.

Last but not the least....the 2 most important......

Maid & Maaikewaale.


Mulla Nasrudin's family was upset because the girl he was planning to marry was an atheist.



"We'll not have you marrying an atheist," his mother said.



"What can I do? I love her," the young Nasrudin said.



"Well," said his mother, "if she loves you, she will do anything you ask. You should talk religion to her. If you are persistent, you can win her over."



Several weeks went by, then one morning at breakfast the young Mulla seemed absolutely brokenhearted.



"What's the matter?" his mother asked. "I thought you were making such good progress in your talks about religion to your young girlfriend."



"That's the trouble," said Nasrudin. I over did it. Last night she told me that, she was so convinced that she is going to study to be a nun.

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