This 89 year old woman was arrested for lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "Can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked, the judge if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Santa noticed that Banta was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong.
"Well," said Banta, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Santa.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."
"That's easy," said Santa. "You just say 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," said Banta, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"
Wedding speech from modern girl to her in laws:
My dear new family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new house...
Firstly I must tell you that my presence here should not change your life routines...
Those who used to do the laundry must keep on doing it... Those cooking must keep cooking... Those cleaning must keep cleaning... I'll not disturb anybody's routine...
So far as I'm concerned, I'm here only to:
Have FUN and
Entertain your SON!!!
A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.
The old guy said: Son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression I was down to my last nickel. I invested that in an apple and spent the entire day polishing it. At the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents!
The next day, I invested those 10 cents in 2 apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents.
I continued this 4 a month. By the end of which I had accumulated a fortune of $.1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us 2 Million Dollars...!
MORAL: Hard Work Is Just Shit. Find A Chick Whose Father Is Rich.
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, \"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I\'m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.\"
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.\"