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Man Vs Women Jokes on Lipy - Page 2


It was their first quarrel. Mulla Nasruddin was coming off worst until he brought his bride's family into the argument.



"Your father is an old drunkard," he stated with venom. "Your mother is a nagger, and your brother is an idle layabout."



"Can't you say one decent thing about my family?" she asked, sarcastically.



"YES, JUST ONE," replied Nasruddin. "THEY WERE ALL OPPOSED TO OUR MARRIAGE."


All married men will attest to some real wisdom in this message. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!



Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:



SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Old Monk. (-5)



PROTECTIVE DUTIES

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)

It's her pet poodle . (-20)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-10)

Tina is single. (-40)



HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)

And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)



THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)

(Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

You give any other response. (-20)



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

Send this on to all of the gentlemen you know to refresh them on the point system.


Ek admi ki wife kidnap ho jaati hai aur kidnappers uske husband ko phone lagate hai:



Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi ko maar denge!



Husband khamosh raha.........



Agle din phir phone aya: Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi kje tukde-tukde kar ke cheel-kauwon ko khila denge!



Husband khamosh raha.........



Agle din phir phone aya: Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi tumhe sahi-salamat lkauta di jayegi!!!



Husband: Paise bol kaminey, darata kisko hai....???


Santa applied for the job of night security guard at the factory.



The boss looked him over carefully.



"The sort of person we need for this job," said the boss finally, "is tough fearless, aggressive, suspicious, distrustful, always on the lookout for trouble and constantly ready to flare into violence. Quite frankly, you don't seem to fit the bill.



"Oh. that is all right," explained Santa. "I HAVE ONLY COME TO APPLY FOR THE JOB ON BEHALF OF MY WIFE."


Which is the most dangerous Alphabet?

Answer is 'W'.

All the worries get initiated with 'W'...

Who

Why

What

When

Which

Whom

Where

War

Wine

Whisky

Wealth

Work

Worries

Woman

& finally, believe it or not WIFE.



And the most dangerous question coming from W (wife).

Woh kaun thi ?



All the major things a (W)oman needs in her lifetime start with the Letter 'M'?

Man.

Money.

Make-Up.

Motor Car.

Movies.

Masti.

Mall.

Last but not the least....the 2 most important......

Maid & Maaikewaale.

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