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Lawyer Jokes on Lipy - Page 4

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"


"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."



"That's correct," replies the defendant.



"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."



"That's correct," replies the defendant.



"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"



"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"


A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting.



"Did you see the shot fired?"



"No, sir, I only heard it."



"Stand down" said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value."



The witness turned around in the box to leave, and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loudly and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the witness back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh at the court.



"Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked the witness.



"No, but I heard you," retorted the judge.



"That evidence is not satisfactory, Your Honor, said the witness respectfully.


A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.



"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."



When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"



"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"



"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."

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