3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.
The boss calls his secretary and says, "Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."
The secretary calls husband and says, "Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of yourself."
The husband calls his girlfriend and says, "My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun."
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, "No tuition this weekend."
The boy calls his grand father, "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."
Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, "Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson."
The secretary calls husband, "I won't be going."
The husband calls his girlfriend, "I am sorry My wife is not going."
The girlfriend calls boy, "You have tuition."
Boy calls his grandpa and says, "Sorry grandpa I've classes."
The grandpa calls secretary....
ARIES: Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!
TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.
GEMINI: Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!
CANCER: Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners.
LEO: Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!
VIRGO:Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time.
LIBRA:Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?
SCORPIO: Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if they don't deserve it.
SAGITTARIUS:OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES - HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!
CAPRICORN: Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway.
AQUARIUS: Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!
PISCES: Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory.
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in the highest esteem.
One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is absolutely true?"
"No," the man said, "I actually just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that his best friend was having a secret affair with his wife.