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God Jokes on Lipy - Page 5


Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.



So, Peter asks the first guy, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”



“None. I had a perfect marriage.”



Great, says Peter. You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper.



And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

“Only twice, I think,” says the second guy.



Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac.



And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

“12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy.



Okay, says Peter. You get a rusty Ford. Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.



What’s wrong?



I just saw my wife.



So?



She was riding a skateboard.


A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the the operating table. she had a near-death experience.



Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"



God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".



Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and complete make-up.



Since she had so much time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.



Arriving in front of God again, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"



God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognise you"!


Granddaughter is sitting on Grandpa's lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her. So she starts studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled.



She finally asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"



'He sure did honey, a long long time ago", he replied.



"Well, did God make me?` she asked.



"Yes He did, and that wasn't too long ago," he answered.



She thought for a minute and then said, "Wow! He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"


When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.



One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.



"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"



"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."



"Were you a pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.



"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."



Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to find St. Peter.



Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows Vista operating system! Why does he deserve better?!"



"True," Peter replied, "But the Titanic only crashed once."


A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died.



When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.



Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.



He says, "I'm still working on it."



Two years pass by and no marriage. St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it. Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.



The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.



"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.



St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

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