A teenager, who had just received her learner's licence for driving, offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
"Thank you!" said the mother as she got out of the car and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the mother closed the door she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
Bill wasn't a very good golfer, but he sure dressed like one. He had a wicked slice that prevented him from ever reaching the green in two strokes, but on the day of the company golf tournament, no one could deny that he looked pretty sharp on the tee. That day, as usual, Bill sent his first drive deep into the woods.
"You'll never hit it out of there," his friends insisted.
"As God is my witness, I'm gonna make the green in two if it kills me," Bill replied.
With that, he smacked the ball as hard as he could. It hit the tree in front of him and came straight back, and hit him right between the eyes and he died.
When Bill appeared at the pearly gates, St. Peter looked at him and said, "Well, I can see by your outfit that you're a golfer! Are you any good?"
Bill replied, "I got here in two, didn't I?"
God decided it was time to end the world, so he called together those whom he considered the three most influential people in the world. President of USA Barrack Obama, Chinese President Xi Jinping, and Prime Minister of India Manmohan Singh.
"The world will end," God told them. "You must go and tell the people."
Obama, made a live statement on TV, "I've good news and BAD news." he said. "The good news is that we have been right, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world."
The second person, Xi Jinping sent out a worldwide message, "I've bad news and WORSE news," he said. "The bad news is that we have been wrong all along - there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world."
Third person, Manmohan Singh immediately calls up Sonia Gandhi and says, "I've good news and BETTER news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most influential people in the world. The better news is that we do not have to worry about how to stop Modi or Kejriwal from becoming PM."
One day a priest was playing baseball. A nun was cheerleading near first base. The priest was up to bat. The pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said, \"Dammit! I missed!\"
\"Don\'t you say that mister or God will strike you with a bolt of lightning,\" the nun said.
Again the pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said, \"Dammit! I missed!\"
\"If you say that one more time mister, God will strike you with a bolt of lightning,\" the nun said.
Once again the pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said, \"Dammit! I missed!\"
A bolt of lightning strikes the nun and God says, \"Dammit! I missed!\"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this! You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I taut you was getting a group together to go right now!"