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God Jokes on Lipy


A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."



Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.



She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.



Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"



God replied, "I didn't recognize you."


ARIES: Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!



TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.



GEMINI: Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!



CANCER: Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners.



LEO: Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!



VIRGO:Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time.



LIBRA:Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?



SCORPIO: Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if they don't deserve it.



SAGITTARIUS:OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES - HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!



CAPRICORN: Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway.



AQUARIUS: Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!



PISCES: Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory.


A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.



He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"



The old man lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"


Arjun: Hey Vasudev, how can I do the most heinous and unpardonable act of forwarding junk mail that I receive, to my friends, relatives and revered elders?



Krishna: Hey Paartha, at this moment, none of them is your friend or foe, relative or in-law, young or old and good or evil. You have no escape from following your Net-Dharma. Make haste to log on and send off the junk mail to one and all. That is the only Karma expected of you and Dharma you must follow.



Arjun: Hey Murari ! Do not implore me to do something that pricks my conscience and stirs my soul.



Krishna: O Kunti-Puthra, you are caught in the vicious circle of the Maya. In this material world, you are committed to no one except to yourself, your Dharma and your mouse. Junk mails have existed for the last 25 years and will remain long after you are gone. Rise above the Maya and perform your bounden duty.



Arjun: Lord Krishna, pray and enlighten me on how junk mail is related to the Maya.



Krishna: Vatsa, junk mail is the 6th element in the universe - Aap, Vaayu, Jal, Agni, Aakaash and Junk Mail. It is at the same time animate and inanimate, living and dead beat. It overloads the system and fills up the hard disk. But it serves one great purpose. It leads people to believe that they are filling their time in an intellectual pursuit by reading and reforwarding junk mail. It gives them a sense of achievement without investing their intellect and efforts. Like the Atman that leaves one's physical body and moves on to another, the junk mail moves from system to system and never gets deleted or dies.



Arjun: Great Giridhaari, kindly tell me what the true attributes of junk mail are?



Krishna: Neither fire can burn it, nor air can evaporate it. Neither can it be conquered nor can it be defeated. Junk mail is omnipresent and immortal like your noble and eternal soul. Unlike an arrow shot from your bow, many a time the junk mail forwarded by you, will even return to you safely after some months or even years, allowing you to re-re-forward it to the same people.



Arjun: Great Saarathi, my salutations to you. You have opened my eyes to the cult of junk mail. I was lost in the Maya and have been reading all the junk mail that I keep receiving and doing no other Karma. Now on, I will just press the "Forward" button without reading any of it and send it to all and sundry, friends and foes, relatives and in-laws, young and old. That will surely bring them to their knees in this epochal battle of Good against Evil, in the Kurukshetra.



Krishna: Arjuna, victory or defeat is not in your hands. Do not ponder over the fruits of your labour. Just keep forwarding junk mail and make one and all go bananas reading it and you will have done your supreme duty. Tathastu.



Thus Spoke

Lord Krishna


One day, Mickey Mouse asks Donald Duck to tell him Ramayana.



Donald duck is impressed and starts reading verses from Ramayana.



Mickey Mouse continues to listen. After completing the whole Ramayan, Donald Duck lets out a big sigh and asks Mickey Mouse, "Mickey Mouse, tell me... who was the father of Lord Ram?"



Mickey Mouse cannot. Angry, Donald duck, again asks, " Mickey Mouse!!! tell me... what was the capital of Ram's kingdom!"



Mickey Mouse cannot answer again.



Infuriated, Donald Duck kicks Mickey Mouse hard, and MickeyMouse goes and collides with a wall. As soon as he collides with the wall,he gets up and starts saying verses of Ramayana from start to end....



How did this happen???



Think Think....



After hitting the wall, Mickey becomes Wall-Mickey (Valmiki)...



....... Bolo Jai Shree Ram

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