A duck walked into a general store, waddled up to the counter and asked: "Got any peanuts?"
"No," said the assistant.
The following day the duck was back again, "Got any peanuts?"
"No," said the assistant firmly.
The next day duck came in again, "Got any peanuts?"
"No," yelled the assistant. "I've told you we don't have any peanuts. If you come back in here again and ask for peanuts, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor."
The next day the duck came in again, "Got any nails?"
"No," said the assistant.
"Good. Got any peanuts?"
A Columbian, Russian, Arab and a Parsi were in a discussion during an Antique Collectors Dinner.
Columbian Drug Lord, "I have loads of money.... I want to buy world's rarest 10 Pens."
Russian, "I am a billionaire... I want to buy the world's 20 antique watches."
Arab Says, "That's nuthin, I am a rich prince... I intend to purchase world's top 50 Antique cars."
Then they wait for the Parsi to speak...
He stirs his Tea, bites into his Bun Maska, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip, leans back with hands on the head and softly says, "I am not Selling."
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said, "Come on Man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with my best friend."
The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and come to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?"
"No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them."
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
May I take your order?" the blonde waitress asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," she replied, "we just tell them straight out that theyre going to die."