Operator: Hello Domino's!
Customer: Hello, can you please take my order?
Operator: Can I have your multi purpose Aadhar card number first, Sir?
Customer: Yeah! Hold on..... My number is 889861356102049998-45-54610
Operator: OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. You are calling from you home number now.
Customer: (Astonished) How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator: We are connected to the system, Sir.
Customer: I wish to order your Seafood Pizza...
Operator: That's not a good idea Sir.
Customer: How come?
Operator: According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, sir.
Customer: What?... What do you recommend then?
Operator: Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it.
Customer: How do you know for sure?
Operator: You borrowed a book titled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week, sir.
Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then.
Operator: That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs. 2,450.
Customer: Can I pay by credit card?
Operator: I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs. 1,51,758 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.
Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator: You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've exhausted even your overdraft limit.
Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator: About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle.
Operator: According to the details in the system , you own a motorcycle registration number 1123.
Customer: "????" (hmmm.. these guys know my motorcyle number too!)
Operator: Is there anything else, sir?
Customer: Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator: We normally would sir, but based on your records, you're also diabetic... In the best interest of your health, we are holding this offer for you.
Customer: (now pissed) ***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))
Operator: Better mind your language sir. Remember on 15th July 2007 you were imprisoned for 2 months and fined Rs.5,000 for using abusive language against a policeman...?
A married lady, visited her elderly parents' home.
When she opened refrigerator, she was shocked to see inside a picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman in two-piece bikini.
Lady: Mom, what's this?
Mom: Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat.
Lady: Is it working?
Mom: Yes and No.
I've lost 8 kilos, but your dad has gained 20...!!!
The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve food here
There was a blonde woman at a soda machine. She put a dollar in the slot and pushed the Pepsi button. The Pepsi came out, so she took it and put the change in her purse.
She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the Mountain Dew button. The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the change and put it in her purse.
Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.
Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady! What's taking you so long?"
She answered, "Duh! I'm still winning!"
Joe was a housekeeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss' wine bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.
Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed colour when water is added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed colour from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.
James told his wife about Joe's misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies.
So he shouted, "Joe!!!" Joe answered from the kitchen, "Yes boss?"
James, "Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?"
There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, "What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with 'Yes Boss' and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence!!!"
Joe said, "It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don"t hear anything else that is said, I swear."
James, "How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?"
So the boss went to the kitchen.
Joe shouted, "Boss!!!"
Boss, "Yes Joe?"
Joe, "Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam's absence?"
Silence - no reply. Joe again, "Who made the maid pregnant?"
No reply. Joe, yet again, "And who arranged for her abortion?"
James came running from the kitchen and said, "You are right Joe. When one is in kitchen, one can't hear anything but one's name. That's bloody strange!"