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Christmas Jokes on Lipy

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn\'t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, \"What do you want for Christmas?\"

\"Something for my mother, please.\" said the young lady.

\"Something for your mother? Well, that\'s very thoughtful of you,\'\' smiled Santa. \"What do you want me to bring her? \"

Without blinking she replied, \"A son-in-law!\"

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."


Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.



The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"



The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Ok."



The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables.



He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheeps."



The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."



The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"



The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"



The shepherd says, "You are an auditor." "How did you know?" asks the young man.



"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business. Now can I have my DOG back?"


Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?



So he can hide at the North Pole!


Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?



Elephanta Claus!

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