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Animal Jokes on Lipy - Page 3


A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.



The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store. Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box. The teacher thanked the student and told him, she wanted to see if she could guess what was in the box. The little boy excitedly agreed and after about twenty seconds the teacher said, "Is it candy!?" - The little boy surprisingly and a little disappointed walked back to his desk.



The second student was Taylor and her dad owned a kitchen appliance store. She walked up to her teacher with a fancily wrapped box about the size of a Football. The teacher took the box and asked if she could try to guess what was in the box - Taylor excitedly agreed and handed the package over to her teacher. The teacher stood there thinking for about forty five seconds then said, “Is it a Toaster!?” – The little girl was surprised and asked the teacher how she knew. The teacher smiled wide, thanked the student, and Taylor returned to her desk.



The third student was Sarah and her dad owned a winery. She walked up to the teacher with a box that was a little bigger than the teacher was expecting. The teacher smiled and asked if she could guess what was in the box. Sarah happily agreed, and handed over the box to her teacher. At this point, the entire classroom wanted to know if the teacher was going to get it right. The teacher started thinking, - the box felt a little lopsided, but she figured the gift just hadn’t been packaged well. After about a minute the teacher noticed little yellow drops coming from the side of the box. The teacher excitedly said, “Is it wine!?” and proceeded to taste some of the dripping liquid. The student smiled, and said, “No It’s a puppy!”


There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.



One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.



Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.



The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.



The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!



On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.



The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...



On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.



After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more!



Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!



All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's Cook the goat!!!!



Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the appraisal.


Santa applied for the job of night security guard at the factory.



The boss looked him over carefully.



"The sort of person we need for this job," said the boss finally, "is tough fearless, aggressive, suspicious, distrustful, always on the lookout for trouble and constantly ready to flare into violence. Quite frankly, you don't seem to fit the bill.



"Oh. that is all right," explained Santa. "I HAVE ONLY COME TO APPLY FOR THE JOB ON BEHALF OF MY WIFE."


A young boy from Pune goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money he calls home.



"Pita ji," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad (IIMA) that will teach our dog, Moti, how to talk!"



"That's amazing," his father says. "How do I get Moti in that program?"



"Just send him down here with Rs. 1,00,000" the young boy says "and I'll get him in the course."



So, his father sends the dog and Rs. 1,00,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.



"So how's Moti doing son?" his father asks.



"Awesome, Pita ji, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"



"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Moti in that program?"



"Just send Rs 2,00,000, I'll get him in the class."



The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.



"Where's Moti? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"



"Pita ji," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Moti was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does. Then Moti turned to me and asked, so, is your father still messing around with that little pretty Champa who lives down the street?"



The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"



"I sure did, Pita ji!"



"That's my boy!"



The kid went on to law school, and now serves in New Delhi as a Member of Parliament.


Vodafone Method:

Hire a lion, give him full rest, pay him more than his expectation, never ask him to do any hard work for 3 months. After 3 months tell him that now you have to fulfill your yearly target within 9 months. Otherwise you will be kicked out from the jungle. Lion dies due to fear, that if he loses this "lazy animals jungle", where will he go.



Reliance Method:

Hire a lion. Give him hell lot of work and pay him fat salary more than industry. Restructure his job, position, boss, colleagues, designation, department, salary, location every 6 months. If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day, when there are just 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill and restructuring.



Tata Method:

Hire a lion and give him the post of a cat, ask him to meow like a cat. Give him lots of ESOPs and grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.



Airtel Method:

Hire a lion and ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a 40kg goat. Lion dies out of strain.



BSNL Method:

Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend the circular at least three times a week. Send him on inspection to the jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting license of any fox, wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page circular. Lion dies of boredom.



Aircel Method:

Recruits a lion, give him 50 kg meat everyday to eat when he can't eat more than 20 kg. Lion dies due to overeating.



Idea Method:

Recruits a lion, asks him to kill elephant without any pain and scratches to it. Lion is made a part of a CFT with ducks, rabbits and pigeons telling Lion how to kill Dinosaurs. Lion is provided with three wolves to help the killing but with a pre-condition that wolves will not run or move. Lion dies due to confusion and paradoxes.



Uninor Method:

Hire a lion. Give him hell lot of work and pay him fat salary more than industry. Daily celebrate stv day, bill him lots of stvs, change product every day, he will confused...



MTS is out of race as Russians don't know about Lions - they only know about Siberian Tigers!

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